European tribes… and how to make them
The year’s 2166, it’s been 300 years since Mendel spent too much time observing peas and came out with the concept of Mendelian inheritance which sparked the beginning of Modern genetics. In non-scientific news, the Simpsons showrunners have announced that show will go on for at least a hundred more years. Aliens had first arrived on Earth in the year 2050 after traveling for over 1000 years and soon headed back after meeting and greeting the blue whale. It’s also been about 100 years since taking a bath went out of fashion and the Humans now prefer changing their skin over reusing and scrubbing their old one. Teleporting was made possible from the year 2100 but there have been reports of people getting stuck in thin air due to traffic congestion. A new under water city has been established which is now being treated as a private Human aquarium by the nearby fishes.
So coming back to the present, here are a few European tribes or to be more precise, ethnicities and a complete guide about how to make them.
Ingredients: Western European R1b – 44%, Oldest European I – 20%, Eastern European R1a – 12%, Mediterranean E1b1b – 5%, Mesopotamian J – 6% , Caucasian G – 5%
Directions: To make a German you need to strictly follow Reinheitsgebot which lays out the guidelines to make both the perfect beer and the perfect German. So just like water, barley and hops you need to take exactly and only 44% of Western European R1b, 20% of Oldest European I, 12% of Eastern European R1a and a mixture of 5% Mesopotamian J and 5% of Caucasian G and ask your nearest Beer brewery to brew a German for you using these prescribed ingredients. And make sure you drive the German home in a Benz.
Ingredients: Oldest European I – 45%, Westerb European R1b – 21%, Eastern European R1a – 18%, Nordic N – 7%, Caucasian G – 3%, Amerindian Q – 3%, Mediterranean E1b1b – 1%, Mesopotamian J – 1%
Directions: Making a Swede is opposite to making a German. To make one go to your nearest IKEA store and buy an assemble yourself a Swede kit cum chair. Unwrap the packaging and take out the manual. Take the four chair legs made out 45% European I, 21% Western European R1b, 18% of Eastern European R1a and 7% Nordic N. Then take the backrest and seat with 3% Caucasian G and 3% Amerindian Q. Screw it all up using the provided screws which are embedded with 1% of Mediterranean E1b1b and 1% of Mesopotamian J. Put the chair inside a Volvo truck and by the time you drive home there would be a Swede sitting on the chair. Though you may get charged for transporting a human inside a closed truck.
Ingredients: Western European R1b – 57%, Oldest European I – 25%, Eastern European R1a – 4% , Mediterranean E1b1b – 3%, Mesopotamian J – 4%, Caucasian G – 5%
Directions: To make an Englishman we need the same main ingredients as we used to make a German but in larger quantities. This is because the English love big things, just look how big their clock The Big Ben is. So as the English love their tea, take a kettle and bring some water to boil. Add the tea leaves composing of 57% of Western European R1b, 25% OF Oldest European I. Then add sugar and milk mixed with very small amounts of Eastern European Hg R1a(4%), Mediterranean E1b1b(3%), Mesopotamian J(4%), Caucasian G(5%). Pour the tea into a cup and there would be a hoard of Englishmen waiting to drink it. Though there’s no information available about how to make a gentleman maybe if you make the tea using a Tuxedo you might make one.
Ingredients: Mesopotamian J – 18%, Mediterranean E1b1b – 14%, Caucasian G – 12% , ancient European I – 11%, Eastern European R1a – 3%
Directions: Unlike northern Europeans, to make an Italian you almost equal amounts of the main ingredients. So take a pizza base and coat it with a sauce containing 18% Mesopotamian J. Then cut the olives containing 14% Mediterranean E1b1b and neatly arrange it on the pizza. Then toss parsley, oregano and basil leaves which are mixed with approximately 12% of Caucasian G, around 11% of ancient European Hg I, and little bit of Eastern European Hg R1a (approx. 3%) and sprinkle everything on the pizza. Finally grate a generous amount of Parmesan cheese with 39% of Western European R1b and put it in the oven. Bake it for 30 min and behold you will find an Italian with a pizza in his stomach. Make sure you get the combination absolutely right or the Italian might take the help of the Godfather of the nearest Mafia family and make you pay.
Ingredients: R1b – 72.5%, I – 14%, R1a – 8.5%
Directions: Scots are simple people who don’t have much patience for elaborate frills. So unlike Italians, to make a Scotsman you don’t need many ingredients. Just scoop a huge pile of 72.5% R1b and pour it into a sack. Then take approximately 14% of vintage European gene and 8.5% of Eastern European R1a and pour them too into the sack with maybe a couple of bottles of good old scotch. Mix everything up and keep playing the bagpipes until a Scotsman emerges.
Ingredients: J – 41%, Mediterranean E – 23%, Caucasian G – 13%, Western European R1b -11%, R1a – 4%, I – 4%
Directions: So coming to the people who basically gave us our middle school mathematics. So to make a Greek geometry style,
take a white sheet of paper. Using a scale, scoop 41% of J onto it. Then use a compass and pour the Caucasian G till 13
degrees. Then take a protractor and draw a neat circle to fill it up with 11% Western European R1b, 4% of R1b and the same amount of Hg I and mix everything up on that white piece of paper. There is a big chance you won’t be able to make philosophers like Aristotle or Plato with this recipe, you need the help of Prince Hector for that. But you can definitely make a decent Greek who knows how to ride a Trojan horse.
Ingredients: R1a 57% , I – 17%, R1b – 12% , E1b1b – 5% , N- 4% , J – 3%
Directions: To make it clear we are referring to the people who inhabit Poland and not the long thin inanimate object people climb for no particular reason. So to make a Pole, take a bucket and pour 57% of R1a. Further pour in a mixture of 17% of I, 12% of R1b. Finally make a froth of 5% of E1b1b, 4% of N and 3% J. And after you are done blowing bubbles floating out of the froth, pour it in the eagerly waiting bucket. Mix thoroughly and you have your own Pole. If you think the Pole didn’t come out well enough, fling the bucket full of the mixture at your nearest enemy and start again.
19 Feb 2017 / rarikola / 0