African Tribes… And How To Make Them
The year’s 2099, humanity’s somehow managed not to blow itself up yet. It’s been 96 years since the human genome was sequenced and Dolly the sheep was cloned. Pity that all the sheep went extinct sometime during 2049.
The Humans time traveled to the future and also returned in time to catch the latest edition of the Superbowl as there’s no Superbowl in the future, the whole of America’s overrun with soccer. Artificial Intelligence was implemented but soon discarded after robots with AI started displaying human characteristics like laziness, sleeping too much, asking for a salary amongst other things, contrary the belief that they would take over the world.
Humanity’s still as close to developing Nuclear Fusion as it was in the year 2016; that is not even close. Cars though have started to run on water which has now proceeded to become more expensive than gasoline.
After successfully colonizing Mars, the inhabitants of the red planet have now started demanding freedom from earth citing over interference by the earth authorities in their day to day affairs. Apple after much protests has finally agreed to bring back the headphone slot it removed during the start of the century.
As humanity dreams about the future, here’s a look at its origins via some recipes, featured in the 6th issue of “Genetic Alchemy Cookbook” magazine describing how to create African tribes:
Ingredients: E1b1a 55%, E2 21%, B 20%, A 3%, Other 1%
Directions: In a medium bowl, combine the 55% of E1b1a gene, 21% of E2, 20% of B, add a little bit of A (around 3%) mix it well, cook until you see spears and voila! you just made a Zulu warrior.
Ingredients: B 56%, E1b1a 31%, A 4%, E2 4%, R1b 4%, Other 1%
Directions: To make a Pygmy hunter you need to blend 56% of gene B with 31% of E1b1a , add small amounts of A , E2 and R1b genes (approx. 4% each), leave for 5 minutes to equilibrate. If unable to get the percentages right, go get a Mathematics degree in the meantime. Preheat oven and bake at 425 degrees Fahrenheit, until golden brown. Congratulations ! you just made Pygmy hunter.
Ingredients: E1b1a 60%, E2 14%, B 9%, E1b1b 8%, A 6%, Other 3%
Directions: To make the Bantu people, take a saucepan and pour about 60% of E1b1a and 14% of E2 genes leftover from last night’s party. Now in a blender pour 9% B and 8% of E1b1b genes and blend till you can’t make out the difference. Pour the blended mixture into the saucepan and sauté till its medium brown. Take care not to burn the same or risk the wrath of the Bantu people. Finally garnish it with approximately 6% of A and 3% of other genes.
And voila! You have the Bantu people.
Ingredients: E1b1b 62%, E1b1a 24%, R1b 13%, Other 1%
Directions: Take a salad bowl and cover the whole surface with 62% of the E1b1b gene. Now in a separate bowl take 24% of E1b1a, 13% of R1b and 1% of other genes and whip them with ample amount of water to create a perfect sauce. Now add this sauce to the salad bowl and toss until fully mixed.
And believe it or not you have your personal Tuareg fighter.
PS: If you are unsure about any measurement, feel free to do a Facetime with any Tuareg fighter you know.
Ingredients: R1b 40%, B 16%, A 13%, E1b1a 13%, E1b1b 4%, Other 14%
Directions: Go to your backyard and fire up the barbecue you got last Christmas. Take a barbecue skewer and fill it up with 40% R1b, 16% B, 13% A, 13% E1b1a, 4% Eibib and 14% of other genes so that you get a really colorful mix. Make sure that you get the measurements absolutely right otherwise the Hausa will be missing a leg. Place the skewer on the barbecue until its fully grilled.
And you sir/madam have a Hausa Tribe.
5 Dec 2016 / rarikola / 1